


Jackass: Archival Assistant Edition

by Zykaben



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, In Style of Transctiption, Pre-Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22178803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zykaben/pseuds/Zykaben
Summary: "Hi, I’m Tim Stoker and welcome to Jackass."
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Sasha James, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Tim Stoker, Sasha James & Tim Stoker
Comments: 22
Kudos: 170





	1. Shopping Cart

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a break from more Serious Writing for some light-hearted fun. Please enjoy.

TRANSCRIBED BY TIM STOKER, THE SEXY BEAST

[CLICK]

**TIM**

Hi, I’m Tim Stoker and welcome to Jackass.

**MARTIN**

Tim, are we _really—_

**TIM**

We all agreed to it already, yeah? So we’re doing it. You can’t back out now and leave me and Sasha!

**SASHA**

It’ll be fun, Martin. And we’d both be really happy if you decided to stay.

**TIM**

And it is _your_ tape recorder so we do kind of need you in on this.

**MARTIN**

… Jon won’t be happy.

**TIM**

_[Mutters]_ When is he ever?

**SASHA**

I’m not hearing a no…?

**MARTIN**

_[Sighs]_ Alright.

**TIM**

Hell yeah!

**SASHA**

_[Overlapping]_ That’s the spirit!

**TIM**

Glad we’re all on the same page! Now…

 _[Clears throat and continues with a more grandiose tone]_ So, welcome to Jackass: Archival Assistant Edition! Instead of twiddling our thumbs or browsing YouTube or sighing dreamily while thinking about making tea for Jon—

[MARTIN SPUTTERS]

I decided that we should do something more… _engaging_ with our time while we wait for Jon to give us an assignment.

Joining me for all of my shenanigans are my two lovely friends and coworkers, Sasha James and Martin Blackwood. Say hi.

**SASHA**

Hello, whoever’s listening!

**MARTIN**

_[Overlapping]_ H-hi.

**TIM**

I need it to be known that both Sasha and Martin waved at the tape recorder and that Martin is blushing now.

**MARTIN**

T-Tim!

**SASHA**

_[Interjecting]_ So! Are we going to start soon?

**TIM**

No time like the present! Here, Martin, you take the tape recorder and go down the stairs and get everything set up.

**MARTIN**

Why wouldn’t you just keep it with you if you’re the ones who are going to—?

**TIM**

_[Interrupting]_ Because we’d _definitely_ break it.

**MARTIN**

_[Amused huff]_ Right, makes sense. Okay, give it here.

[SOUNDS OF SHUFFLING AS TAPE RECORDER IS PASSED]

[SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS AS MARTIN BEGINS TO WALK DOWN THE STAIRS]

**SASHA**

_[From further away now]_ See you down there!

**MARTIN**

_[Calling back]_ Make sure to be careful!

[TIM LAUGHS, QUIETED BY DISTANCE]

**MARTIN**

_[Under breath]_ Okay then.

[FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE]

[FOOTSTEPS STOP]

[MARTIN SIGHS]

**MARTIN**

Alright, I-I guess I have to put you down for right now, just so I can—here we go.

[TAPE RECORDER PUT DOWN]

[SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS THAT STOP QUICKLY]

[SOUND OF SOMETHING LARGE BEING DRAGGED]

**MARTIN**

Almost… ha! There we go. I… hope that’s enough.

[FOOTSTEPS]

[TAPE RECORDER BEING PICKED UP]

**MARTIN**

_[Yelling]_ Okay! Ready when you are!

**SASHA**

_[Yelling from the top of the stairs]_ Just a moment!

**MARTIN**

_[To himself]_ I can’t believe that they’re _actually_ going to—

[DOOR OPENS]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Irritated]_ Martin, what are you shouting for? And what are you doing with that tape recorder?

**MARTIN**

_[Flustered]_ O-oh, Jon! I, ah. Um, that is—

**BOSS-MAN**

And where are Tim and Sasha? I have something that I need their help on. And—is that an air mattress? What is that doing in the archives?

**MARTIN**

They—uh—you see—

**TIM**

_[Yelling from the top of the stairs]_ Ready!

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Taken aback]_ What?

[RAPID SOUND OF METALLIC CLANKING AND THUMPING THAT GROWS LOUDER AT A HIGH PACE]

[TIM AND SASHA YELLING UNINTELLIGIBLY; GETTING LOUDER ALONG WITH CLANKING AND THUMPING]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Demanding; nervous]_ What—

[SOUND OF THUMPING AND YELLING GROWS CLEAR]

[BOSS-MAN SCREAMS]

[LOUD CRASH AND SOUND OF YELLING ABRUPTLY CUTTING OFF]

[SOUND OF FALLING HARD ONTO THE MATTRESS]

[BOSS-MAN STOPS SCREAMING]

[TIM GROANS]

[SASHA GIGGLES]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Loud; shrill]_ Wh—I—What are you _doing_!?

**TIM**

Is it not obvious?

**BOSS-MAN**

Is—is that a shopping cart!?

**SASHA**

Yeah! It went a lot faster than I thought it would.

**BOSS-MAN**

What—wh—why would you ride a shopping cart down the stairs into the archives? Don’t you know how dangerous that is!?

**TIM**

_[Indignantly]_ We’re wearing helmets and had the mattress!

**BOSS-MAN**

That does not make it acceptable!

**TIM**

Oh, lighten up. No one’s hurt. Sasha, are you hurt?

**SASHA**

I might have a bruise, but I’m fine.

**MARTIN**

Oh, do you want me to get you some ice for that?

**SASHA**

That’d be lovely, Martin.

**BOSS-MAN**

No! You lot are not going to just act like this—like—as though this is normal! How did you even get a shopping cart?

[BEAT]

**TIM**

You ever hear the phrase “Be Bi, Do Crime”?

[BEAT]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Seething]_ I am going to go back into my office. When I come back out, I expect that this… _mess_ will be _gone._ If it’s not then—I’ll have to talk to Elias about your placement in the archives.

**TIM**

Ha, right, that—

**MARTIN**

_[Interrupting]_ W-we’ll take care of that right away Jon! It’ll be like nothing even happened.

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Deep inhale]_ Right. Tim and Sasha, I do _not_ want to see anything like this from you two again. You are professionals and should know better than to pull stunts like this. 

_[Under his breath]_ And I suppose I can’t expect _Martin_ to talk any sense into you.

**TIM**

_[Upset]_ Hey—

**SASHA**

Of course, Jon. It won’t happen again.

**JON-THE-PRICK**

_[Firm]_ See to it that it doesn’t.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SILENCE]

**MARTIN**

_[Softly]_ Y-you don’t think he’s _too_ mad, do you?

[TIM AND SASHA GETTING UP OFF OF THE MATTRESS]

**TIM**

_[Muttering]_ No, he’s just being an arse.

**SASHA**

I think Jon’s upset, but that’s more directed at Tim and me. Besides, you were the one trying to get us to stop.

**TIM**

And you placed that mattress _perfectly_. We should celebrate.

**SASHA**

Pub? Martin’s first round on us?

**TIM**

Of course!

**MARTIN**

You don’t need to—

**SASHA**

_[Interrupting]_ We want to.

**MARTIN**

_[Quietly; surprised]_ O-oh. Th-thank you.

[BEAT]

**TIM**

Yeah, so we’re definitely doing something like this again.

**SASHA**

Of course we are!

**MARTIN**

_[Groans]_ I still cannot believe that you _actually_ did it.

**SASHA**

I can. It was fun.

**TIM**

Here, Martin. Pass the recorder.

**MARTIN**

Oh, right.

[TAPE RECORDER BEING HANDED TO TIM]

**TIM**

And so concludes the first installment of what is _sure_ to be a long-running—show? Feature? Way to kill the time? Whatever this is, I’m sure we’ll see a lot more of it.

[SASHA CHEERS]

[MARTIN GROANS FONDLY]

And with that—

 _[To Sasha and Martin]_ Hey, what’s a good sign-off?

**MARTIN**

I don’t know!

**SASHA**

“See you next time”?

**TIM**

We’ll work on it.

 _[To recorder]_ For now, this is Tim and the other two sexiest members of the archives, signing-off!

[MARTIN SPUTTERS]

[SASHA LAUGHS]

[CLICK]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may do more of these if people like them, but for now I think this'll be a stand-alone piece.
> 
> In any event, this was super fun to write and thank you for reading! Comments, kudos, and bookmarks are always appreciated!
> 
> Have a great day.


	2. Fruit Winders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll seemed to like this, so I'm back it again with another one.
> 
> Also if you have any kinda Shenanigans that you think you'd like these three to pull, lemme know :D I am very open to ideas.
> 
> (Fruit Winder == Fruit by the Foot)

TRANSCRIBED BY TIM STOKER, GOD’S GIFT TO MORTALS

[CLICK]

**TIM**

Hi, I’m Tim Stoker and welcome to Jackass: Archival Assistant Edition! I am joined once again by my two wonderful friends and coworkers, the illustrious Sasha James and the exquisite Martin Blackwood.

**MARTIN**

_[Stammering]_ Wha—wait, w-why—?

**SASHA**

_[Laughs]_ Come on, Tim. You know that your “dazzling charm” doesn’t work on me. Now stop trying to fluster Martin and get on with it.

**MARTIN**

_[Obviously flustered]_ I-I’m not flustered!

[TIM AND SASHA LAUGH]

**TIM**

Sasha’s sass and Martin’s adorable denials aside—

[MARTIN SPUTTERS]

—We have a _very_ fun day ahead of us! This is something that I’ve always wanted to do as a kid but never really had the chance to. But then I realized that I’m an adult now and there’s nothing stopping me from living out my unfulfilled childhood dreams. So I did some quick math with Sasha and, once we got a number, I sent Martin to buy 60 pounds worth of Fruit Winders.

 _[Aside]_ It’s still hilarious that it took you two days to get them all.

**MARTIN**

I mean, it took some time to get 120 Fruit Winders shipped.

**TIM**

Wait, you didn’t raid a bunch of stores to get them all? But that would have been half of the fun!

**MARTIN**

I ordered them in bulk! You wanted me to force a Tesco cashier to check out that many Fruit Winders?

**TIM**

Yes! And if you _really_ wanted to have fun with it, you could have added a single condom to it.

**MARTIN**

I— _What?_

**SASHA**

Tim has a theory that any purchase of any item can be made hilarious by adding a single condom.

**TIM**

It’s the mystery of it all. I think the best combination that we came up with was a cymbal monkey and a single condom and nothing else.

**SASHA**

_[Laughing]_ Okay, we have to stop before Martin explodes from all the blood rushing to his face.

**TIM**

_[Whining]_ But it’s such a lovely cherry color.

**SASHA**

_[Consoling; mocking]_ I know, but it’s for the best. And we really better get started soon. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

**TIM**

Right you are! We have a _lot_ of Fruit Winders to start opening.

**MARTIN**

Uh, should we turn off the recorder while we do this? It might take a while.

**TIM**

Good call. We can turn it back on once we’re done. Alright dear listeners, we will see you on the other side soon enough!

[CLICK]

* * *

[CLICK]

**BOSS-MAN**

Statement of Rowan Jayde, regarding their encounter with a strange book that was gifted to them by a new neighbor. Original statement given March 3rd, 2010. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

**BOSS-MAN (SPOOKY)**

I know that this sounds crazy, some person just waltzing in and talking about some magic book that an old codger gave them. I know that’s what I would have thought, not too long ago. Before it all happened. But then, I suppose that you lot are used to this. The crazy. The… supernatural. Even if you don’t believe me it’s… nice. Nice to know that I’m not entirely alone in this.

It all started when I was returning home to visit my parents. I had moved out not too long ago and we’d always been a close-knit family so I missed them terribly. I’d grown up in that house with them alongside my two older sisters, so there was always a great sense of nostalgia surrounding—

[MUFFLED CACKLING]

[BEAT]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Muttering]_ … Do I even want to know?

[MORE MUFFLED CACKLING]

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Sighing]_ Alright then.

[BOSS-MAN STANDS UP]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[DOOR OPENING]

**BOSS-MAN**

I am trying to record a—what are you doing!?

**MARTIN**

_[Surprised]_ J-Jon!

**TIM**

_[Cheerful]_ Oh, hey boss!

**SASHA**

Were we being too loud? Sorry, Jon. _[Fondly exasperated]_ I’ve been telling Tim to keep it down but he can’t quite seem to listen.

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Sputtering]_ I—you’ve—what are—I don’t—could one of you please explain what is going _on_? What _is_ that?

**TIM**

They’re Fruit Winders! You know, fun kid snack that’s more sugar than actual fruit or—

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Annoyed]_ I know what Fruit Winders are! Why are you covered in them?

**TIM**

_[Grandly]_ It’s been a dream of mine to be mummy-wrapped head-to-toe in Fruit Winders ever since I was a young lad. Alas, I could never enact this dream… until today. Sasha and Martin are helping.

[BEAT]

**BOSS-MAN**

That is _disgusting._

**TIM**

It is a bit sticky, yeah.

**SASHA**

Don’t worry, we’re almost done. We just have to finish your arms and then—

**BOSS-MAN**

_[Interrupting]_ No! You are _not_ going to just “finish” this! You are all going to stop _this instant_ and Tim is going to take them all off _right now._

**TIM**

But we’re so close!

**JONNY KILLJOY**

I don’t care! You can’t just expect your own boss to walk in on you being almost _completely_ wrapped in Fruit Winders and endorse it! Sasha! Martin! I said _stop._

**MARTIN**

Almost…

**SASHA**

Haha! Got it! How does it feel Tim?

**TIM**

_[Joyful]_ It’s so gross and sticky. I love it, thank you both for helping me.

**JONNY KILLJOY**

_[Flat; deadpan]_ Great. Now take them _off,_ Tim.

**TIM**

Right now? This very second?

**MARTIN**

Um, Tim—

**JONNY KILLJOY**

_[Demanding]_ Yes, right now.

**TIM**

_[Teasing]_ Just so we’re all clear, I don’t have clothes on under here.

**JONNY KILLJOY**

… W-what?

**TIM**

Oh, you know. Didn’t want to get anything all gross and sticky. Could you imagine how terrible it would be to walk home in pants that we’d stuck Fruit Winders on?

[BEAT]

**JONNY KILLJOY**

J-just get back to working and clean this up!

[TIM LAUGHING]

[HASTY FOOTSTEPS]

[DOOR SLAMMING CLOSED]

[JONNY KILLJOY SIGHS]

[BEAT]

**JONNY KILLJOY**

Oh, Christ, the tape—

[CLICK]

* * *

[CLICK]

**TIM**

_[Chuckling]_ Okay, so we have to do this fast before Jon decides to poke his head out and throws a tantrum again. Despite the interruption, we were successful! Every part of me is completely wrapped up in Fruit Winders except for my head so I count today as a win for the archival assistants. It’s sad that we have to cut it a bit short, but I honestly can’t say this is very comfortable so I’m not _too_ upset about how things turned out.

**SASHA**

Poor Jon. Walked in on more than he wanted to.

**MARTIN**

Why did you tell him you were _naked_ under there?

**TIM**

Did you see his _face_? That’s enough of an answer for me.

**SASHA**

_[Snorts]_ He looked like he’d seen another spider. No, a whole _colony_ of spiders.

**MARTIN**

Actually, most spiders are solitary by nature so the chance of Jon actually seeing a colony of spiders is pretty low. _[Pause]_ S-sorry. I wasn’t trying to correct you.

**SASHA**

No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. I love your spider facts, Martin.

**MARTIN**

_[Pleasantly surprised]_ O-oh! Thank you.

**SASHA**

You’re very welc—Tim! Stop that!

**TIM**

_[Muffled]_ What?

**SASHA**

That’s _disgusting._

[TIM SWALLOWS]

**TIM**

_[Clear now]_ They’re perfectly good Fruit Winders!

**MARTIN**

Not when they’ve been on your body!

**TIM**

You guys are just jealous.

**MARTIN**

_[Incredulous]_ Of the Fruit Winders?

**TIM**

Yes. Now, Sasha, pass me recorder so—

**SASHA**

No way. You’re not sticking up Martin’s tape recorder with your Fruit Winder hands.

**TIM**

Ha, fair enough. _[Louder]_ Then this is one unpleasantly sticky Tim Stoker and his two brilliantly helpful co-conspirators, signing off. You two will help me get these off, right?

**MARTIN**

Um… 

**SASHA**

_[Laughing]_ Not a chance.

[CLICK]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave kudos and comments and bookmarks!
> 
> Until next time.


End file.
